If you’re reading this blog, you may or may not know that I’m clumsy. Like unbelievable, hilariously clumsy. And I also love sports. Those two things don’t go well together, just ask my parents. Anyway, I have been watching the Winter Olympics and I always want to try different things, so I thought I’d make a list of how likely I would get injured doing all the Olympic sports. I know I would get injured doing all of them, so just humor me. Edit: I added another category, how likely my mom would have a heart attack if I did said sport. Edit: Dad said, flips? I thought you said slips.

3. Bobsleigh: Sliding in a tube down a winding, icy path.

Anything that involves sliding down a winding path invites crashing and flipping over. Clearly, I would do so very quickly. I would enjoy riding a bobsleigh, but I’m sure the ice would do a number on me during the crash, along with me probably getting crushed by the bobsleigh. Edit: Mom said I would get flung out so thanks mom.

Likelihood of injury: 70%

Likelihood of mom having a heart attack: 99%

4. Cross-country Skiing: Imagine running cross country with skis. That’s it.

https://youtu.be/GprwjLmj3q0

This is one part of the biathlon, so the main risks would be stabbing myself with the pole or slipping and just falling into the snow. Since you’re standing on the ground, and I’m short, the potential for injury here is low.

Likelihood of injury: 10%

Likelihood of mom having a heart attack: 20%

5. Curling: I’m sure everyone has seen this sport on TV, even if they didn’t understand it. Players push a 20 kilo (around 44 pound) stone down a 45 meter length of ice. They use a broom to sweep the ice in front of the stone to warm the surface and help direct the stone’s path.

So, the players have special shoes, one with a gripper, and one with a slipper to help maintain balance on the ice, so that would reduce the risk of me falling on the ice. Pushing the stone could cause a muscle strain since it’s pretty heavy, but overall risk is minimal in this sport. Edit: Mom said the stone would roll over my foot.

Likelihood of injury: 2%

Likelihood of mom having a heart attack: 1%

6. Figure Skating: Skating on razor sharp blades.

I have gone skating twice before, so call me an expert. I’ve fallen before, and had a few bruises from it but nothing terrible. If I tried to do the spins though, that could be a different story. Most likely scenario would be falling harder on the ice, or somehow, becoming twisted enough for the blade to cut my leg. I’m not very flexible though so that’s a low possibility. Edit: Mom said I would hit an artery with the blade.

Likelihood of injury: 45%

Likelihood of mom having a heart attack: 40%

7. Freestyle Skiing: Skiing down a course and incorporating jumps, flips, and spins down a course. Basically, skiing and acrobatics.

Oh, the possibilities are beautiful. First, potential for straight up falling on the skis as soon as I start going downhill. Also, stabbing myself in the foot, as one does. And then we get to the actual flipping and tricks. First, I would never be able to jump up onto the bar or whatever it’s called, so that would invite a nice crash. And if I was lucky, and did get up there, I would fall off with a nice thud. Any tricks I would attempt would immediately result in crashes. So, a nice combination of either falling, falling from a height, or crashing into a piece of metal used for the tricks.

Likelihood of injury: 99%

Likelihood of mom having a heart attack: 99%

8. Ice Hockey: Skating around on razor sharp blades, carrying large sticks and slamming each other into the walls.

Hahaha, I’d die.

Likelihood of injury: 100%

Likelihood of mom having a heart attack: 50% (She has more confidence in this than I do)

9. Luge: You slide down a course on a small sled, facing upright. It relies on the slightest movements of the person to control the sled.

So, you hold on. I have a pretty good grip, so I wouldn’t let go. I’m also small, so I would probably go way too fast. I would naturally ride up the side of the course and tip over, and end up under the luge. That’s a given. Edit: Mom said I’d fly off the luge and the board would then hit me in the head and give me a concussion.

Likelihood of injury: 90%

Likelihood of mom having a heart attack: 100%

10. Nordic Combined: This combines cross-country skiing and ski jumping.

We already discussed the risks of cross-country skiing, so just to recap: tripping and stabbing my foot. Ski jumping would result in some broken bones for sure, or impaling of skis. Edit: Mom said I wouldn’t even make it past the ski jump. She said the skis would wrap around my head. Not sure how that works, but sure, mom, sure.

Likelihood of injury: 100%

Likelihood of mom having a heart attack: 90%

11. Short Track Speed Skating: This is sprinting on razor sharp blades.

I can move on skates, but not very fast. If I tried to skate faster, I would definitely fall and skid across the ice. Bruises galore. And maybe a sprain or two, unless I skidded into the wall or someone else. Then injuries could increase.

Likelihood of injury: 90%

Likelihood of mom having a heart attack: 50%

12. Skeleton: Luge, but facing down, so you’re looking at the ice.

Not going to lie, I would love to try this. I would flip the sled and end up on my back, so potential for breaking my back is high. But it would be so fun to try. And terrifying. Imagine staring at the ice as you go 90 mph down a course. Edit: Mom said I would fly right off it, into a wall, and the luge would hit me in the head, or just karate chop me into two.

Likelihood of injury: 75%

Likelihood of mom having a heart attack: 100%

13. Ski Jumping: Skiing down a giant hill, 120 meters high, and trying to land the furthest away.

Yeah, this involves skis, which I would trip on quickly and flinging myself off a giant hill. That would result in some amazing crashes. The distance would just send me flying away, probably into a wall, or somehow resulting in one of my own skis impaling me. That would be impressive, honestly. Edit: Mom said I would be still in the air with the skis below me, or in a giant hole needing the dogs to come get me.

Likelihood of injury: 100%

Likelihood of mom having a heart attack: 100%

14. Snowboard: Doing all sorts of flips, spins, and tricks while attached to a board of wood.

So, I compare this to skateboarding, which I’ve tried. I would jump off because I couldn’t figure out how to turn or stop, so that doesn’t speak volumes at my ability. I can stay on a board, but moving around for a trick is well above my ability. Put me on snow and send me onto a halfpipe and I’d fly right over the edge or fall before even reaching the edge. Edit: Mom said I’d hit the wall head on, like a cartoon character and slide down on my back.

Likelihood of injury: 85%

Likelihood of mom having a heart attack: 100%

15. Speed Skating: Longer distance on razor sharp blades.

I can sort of skate and it’s a long race. My main concern would be an asthma attack, but that’s not an injury so we can move past that. I could trip and fall, and potentially take someone else out or crash into the wall. So, potential is high, but terrible injuries most likely wouldn’t occur.

Likelihood of injury: 75%

Likelihood of mom having a heart attack: 40%

In conclusion, I would be in a hospital bed if I tried anything.