Everything with Em

A little of this, a little of that, a lot of sass

Death on the Nile Movie Review

  1. All I know about this movie is that it’s a similar setup to Murder on the Orient Express, I think? Maybe? I am so uncultured.
  2. Before it starts, I can’t even tell you a single actor in this movie.
  3. I can tell you it’s on Hulu.
  4. Okay, so we’re starting in either WWI or WWII. Not sure which.
  5. A bird appears on screen and my cat immediately attacks the TV.
  6. This is so dramatic looking.
  7. Also, this guy has a magnificent mustache.
  8. He wants to use the birds to hide. I hope there’s a lot of birds.
  9. Oh, they smoked it out, got it.
  10. How does this attack tie into the Nile? This doesn’t look like Egypt. Poirot must be the detective.
  11. Maybe not. Everyone just went boom.
  12. So, just the captain died?
  13. I’m guessing he’s supposed to be the Odysseus. He came up with the plan that worked, while just being a farmer.
  14. Poor dude. But you have both your eyes, so it’s all good.
  15. I like Katherine. She knows how to handle things.
  16. Okay, so that was WWI, since we’re in 1937 now.
  17. “I am with hunger.” Same.
  18. Is Rosalie played by Shuri from Black Panther?
  19. I was right.
  20. Oh, I like this music. Jazzy and swinging at the same time.
  21. Okay, who is this couple dancing all sultry?
  22. Gal Gadot?
  23. I’m surprised I recognize actors in this.
  24. Yes, embrace your sex life.
  25. Oh, Linnet likes Simon, or maybe they’ve been together before.
  26. Why don’t we have dances like this that everyone knows anymore? Not just things like the Cha cha Slide.
  27. Jackie is already wary of this arrangement, as she should be. Those looks don’t lie.
  28. Six weeks later on the Nile. Why’s everyone heading there?
  29. Man, I’d love to see the Sphinx and the pyramids.
  30. Let the man have his fun. Seems like a great place to fly a kite, right on a pyramid.
  31. What train? The Orient Express perhaps?
  32. I love the mom. She couldn’t care less about Poirot.
  33. “I am calm, capable, and coping.” A mantra we all tell ourselves.
  34. Ok, add a fancy Tiffany necklace to the mix.
  35. Oh, is this the wedding of Simon and Jackie.
  36. Oh, oh no. It’s Linnet.
  37. So, who else thinks Jackie is going to kill Simon or Linnet?
  38. Bouc loves her too.
  39. Welcome back Jackie. That wasn’t a long wait.
  40. How did she know where to find them?
  41. What does Linnet expect Poirot to do? Follow Jackie around like she follows them?
  42. I don’t blame Jackie. Engaged to watching her friend marry her fiancée six weeks later would turn anyone a little crazy.
  43. Snake friend. What an omen.
  44. Oh, so Jackie may be a tad obsessive.
  45. Here’s my theory. Simon kills Linnet, and everyone blames Jackie. Simon gets Linnet’s money.
  46. Jackie would not show Poirot the gun like that. I guess she is losing it.
  47. Not going to lie, that statue is creepy.
  48. Oh damn, that’s Linnet. Still creepy.
  49. I also spy Ygritte from Game of Thrones in this cast.
  50. Seriously, how much money would a boat like that cost today?
  51. She seriously had her maid come to the boat just to send her back to get everyone else’s luggage? Rude.
  52. Clearly, Jackie is hiding in one of those trunks. Easiest way to get on the boat.
  53. You know, watching Poirot just joining in on this boat trip just out of the blue with people he doesn’t know really drives home why there were so many more serial killers in the 1900’s.
  54. I hope Linnet pays Poirot for his services. Dude was on vacation after all.
  55. Oh, bad joke Andrew.
  56. New theory, Simon and Andrew are together and using the contracts to steal her money. I would love this to be true.
  57. I think Rosalie is on Linnet’s side, but I’m not sure.
  58. Oh, that was interesting. I wonder what Linnet did to Salome.
  59. Aw, Bouc’s in love.
  60. Real murderer will be Louise. There was something there about her wanting to come to Egypt for her engagement. But we haven’t seen a husband.
  61. Nothing bad better happen to Rosalie. I like her.
  62. “A handful of husbands. Each one a handful.” Great quote.
  63. Is this Poirot’s version of flirting? Talking about vegetables?
  64. Sure, let’s defile this ancient monument by having sex on it.
  65. The ancient Egyptian gods said not on my watch.
  66. Bring on the sandstorm that they said was hours away.
  67. And suddenly, it’s gone. That’s not how sandstorms work.
  68. Dang, I was really hoping Jackie would have snuck on board by hiding in a trunk. Instead, she had a ticket. How boring.
  69. Stop suspecting Rosalie. Don’t steal her book.
  70. Poor Poirot. Poor Katherine.
  71. I mean, he did provoke her, and he knew she had a gun.
  72. He got shot in the leg, it’s not that bad.
  73. Poirot is just sleeping through it all.
  74. We’re about to see a dead Linnet.
  75. There it is.
  76. It couldn’t have been Jackie. She was with Bowers, and had dropped the gun.
  77. I’m sorry, the fact that they’ve known each other for six weeks and his breakdown just gives me such The Bachelor vibes.
  78. Oh, the necklace is gone.
  79. Linnet offered to pay Louise’s fiancée’s debts if he would leave her. Yikes.
  80. Oh, okay. The doctor was Linnet’s ex. I must have missed that.
  81. Set up the Doc and Jackie. They both love obsessively.
  82. Oh, cousin Andrew is packing.
  83. Poor Bowers. The Great Depression struck her hard.
  84. Oh, the bed hadn’t been slept in despite them being three days on board.
  85. Oh, the godmother and nurse are companions. That’s cute.
  86. What are the odds of actually finding the scarf in the water by just using nets? Very slim, I’d say.
  87. How did she get the gun? And she hid it in her hat? I love it.
  88. Oh, Mother has the necklace. Intriguing indeed.
  89. He’s interviewing everyone, but not the staff?
  90. They did get off, but couldn’t one have stayed behind.
  91. Yes, preach Poirot. Rosalie is a gem.
  92. Mother, it’s not your choice who you son loves.
  93. Is Jackie still in a morphine stupor?
  94. What the? Was that a body just floating?
  95. NOT LOUISE
  96. Oh, Jackie is awake.
  97. Oh, Doc is missing a scalpel.
  98. FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT
  99. The only person who heard about Louise potentially seeing the killer was Simone, right?
  100. Safest would be all together to keep an eye on each other, not in your own cabins. The same as let’s split up.
  101. IS IT BOUC?
  102. Me thinks the man doth protest too much.
  103. He stole the necklace from a dead woman. Classy.
  104. SHIT, I DIDN’T SEE THAT COMING
  105. Poor Bouc, he just wanted to get married. And now he’s dead. Movie, didn’t I ask you not to hurt Rosalie? You have failed me.
  106. Who is out of breath? Who is it?
  107. Never go on a cruise in Egypt. People are just dropping like flies.
  108. If only Bouc hadn’t been beating around the bush. He may have had a chance to spit the name out before getting shot.
  109. Cousin Andrew?
  110. So, he did push the rock, but did he kill everyone?
  111. Did he paint the red on his leg to make it look like he was shot?
  112. I called it. Simone wanted her money, that’s all.
  113. Jackie killed the others. She organized this for the money. Did I call it, or did I call it?
  114. This is what’s called a Mexican standoff.
  115. Simone, you know you two can’t get away.
  116. JACKIE REALLY JUST SHOT THEM BOTH
  117. I mean, she never wanted to be apart from him. Going down with the ship for sure.
  118. Everyone on this boat needs therapy after this.
  119. This is what you would call a murder cruise.
  120. Aw, he shaved his mustache.
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