Welcome back rose lovers, to another exciting and messy episode of the Bachelor.

1. Got my mandatory pina colada and a pillow to scream in. Let’s do this.
2. I didn’t need this recap because it already made me mad.
3. Someone chuck Shanae over the falls. I’ll pay you five dollars.
4. Oh right, still in Texas.
5. Mom’s response to Clayton talking: “I don’t like him at all.”
6. Man, I really want to go to an amusement park.
7. Not with Clayton though.
8. I feel like Serene is not wearing the right shirt for these rides.
9. Once in a sea dragon type ride, I flew right out of the seat and terrified the people sitting next to me.
10. “Clayton is a really good kisser.” – Sorry, I just threw up in my mouth.
11. Girl, you were fine on the roller coaster, but terrified of the swing?
12. Clayton thinks every girl is mysterious because he hasn’t mastered telepathy yet.
13. Boy, if you send Serene home and keep Shanae, you’re a bigger idiot than I thought.
14. You know, I always wonder about the budget. Does every date get the same amount of money thrown at it?
15. Like, how much to rent out an amusement park? Asking for a friend.
16. So, not a very communicative family.
17. Did Clayton get sunburned on his nose? There’s just a really red spot that I can’t ignore.
18. Glad she’s talking about grief and loss. Give these women time to actually talk about these things with the man they may supposedly marry.
19. Side note, why does everyone look so good when they cry on TV. When I do, people want to take me to a doctor asap.
20. Woah, that broccoli is massive.
21. So, what random country singer/band are we in for tonight?
22. Oh my god, no music performance?
23. I swear, if anyone mentions shrimp in this episode, I’m chugging my laptop at my TV.
24. Shanae, you really think you haven’t done anything wrong?
25. Interesting, talking to the winning team first.
26. He won’t listen though.
27. WHY ISN’T ANYONE TELLING HIM THE REST OF IT THOUGH?
28. CLAYTON, YOU BIG DUMB DUMB!
29. BECAUSE YOU CAN’T DEFEND THOSE ACTIONS YA DINGUS!
30. We all know he keeps her, and he’s an idiot. That is all.
31. What do you believe in? Belittling every woman in the world? Making me pull my hair out?
32. Clayton -“I don’t want this to be a hostile environment.” Shanae- “I’m going to create an environment that is so toxic.”
33. You “apologized” to Clayton but not to the woman. Why does he buy her bullshit?
34. STOP WITH THE FAKE WATERWORKS
35. Sorry for what though? She never said why she was sorry besides wanting Clayton to believe her.
36. Wow, her tears magically cleared up in seconds.
37. AND SHE WENT BACK TO TELL CLAYTON
38. She legit said I’m not sorry.
39. BITCH, YOU DID NOT SAY YOU ARE BETTER THAN MERYL STREEP
40. Did … did he talk to anyone else at the cocktail party?
41. Why did I think the commercial for Big Sky was the Bachelor at first?
42. My brain saw the C on the building and thought, Clayton can’t see.
43. The fact that he doesn’t send Shanae home just makes me crave another drink.
44. We all know Shanae will get the last rose. Get some new tricks editors.
45. NO BECAUSE HE’S A DUMB DUMB
46. We have not seen him interact with so many of the women. I have no idea who any of these people are.
47. I swear, he reads the name on the rose. He looks at it for so long.
48. And we lose three women whose personality traits are hating Shanae.
49. YES SIERRA. TELL HIM! That’s how you make an exit.
50. We are at the halfway point and my drink is gone. Time for popcorn.
51. Why … why did they all get in the bathtub? It’s normal sized.
52. Can’t be international without a helicopter.
53. My guess is the producers asked Clayton what he knows about Canada and he said hockey, Niagra Falls, and maple syrup. If one of these dates doesn’t feature maple syrup, I will riot.
54. Thank you for sharing. Where’s Matt?
55. So, why did he pick Genevieve to go with Shanae? I don’t recall her being any big threat to Shanae at first.
56. Let’s skip this group date and get to the real one we’re all here for. The date with the dog.
57. You know, the women are telling Clayton all about themselves. We still know nothing about this saltine of a human.
58. Oh, Gabby, no baby.
59. STOP SAYING THANK YOU FOR SHARING
60. So, if Gabby makes it to hometowns, they will totally bring her mom to force Gabby to go through all the suffering.
61. Why are those candles so big? Fire hazard.
62. Those chairs don’t look comfortable.
63. Why do I want the rose to be whisked over the edge by a big wind?
64. Oh, the roast date. Okay, I’m here for this.
65. The lack of excitement I feel when seeing Jesse is high.
66. YES. ROAST CLAYTON AND JESSE
67. Should I know who Russell Peters is though?
68. I’m glad Shanae isn’t here for this. Much more fun.
69. NOT HIS STUNT DOUBLE. I’M WHEEZING
70. Wait, there are actual other people there?
71. SHANAE IS LIKE A HERPES OUTBREAK BITCH
72. Oh damn, Sarah really going after Mara.
73. Give me all the Shanae roasts.
74. Clayton was triggered by the warming the bench jokes. Poor baby.
75. Aw, Susie, that’s a cute idea.
76. TELL US WHAT YOU’VE LEARNED ABOUT HIM. WE KNOW NOTHING!
77. Marlena should be the next Bachelorette. I’m a fan of hers.
78. The lack of the word “love” on the card made them so nervous.
79. Yourself, you’re the trash bag Shanae.
80. Is this Hunter? I have no idea.
81. Oh, it’s Rachel. Oops.
82. MAPLE SYRUP BABY
83. I did not need to see Clayton taking a shot of maple syrup though.
84. Sarah’s head must hurt, being pushed into a brick wall like that.
85. Serene looks so much like Michelle. I thought that was her on the couch and was so confused.
86. We will get so little of the 2-on-1 date since there’s only 12 minutes left of the episode.
87. My sanity is at risk because of Shanae’s actions.
88. How do they get so many clothes to fit into one suitcase? I need the textbook on this.
89. She literally practices her lines because she doesn’t have the ability to think for herself.
90. Clayton, have you ever watched this show? You know 2-on-1 dates are never fun. The date part doesn’t happen, only the yelling and drama.
91. I’m ready for you to leave, Shanae. I really am.
92. Shanae is a succubus, my god. So accurate.
93. Shanae is literally threatening to push Genevieve in the falls.
94. DID HE JUST ASK IF GENEVIEVE IS AN ACTRESS? WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?
95. Give the bee a rose.

I really don’t want to watch Clayton be an idiot next week, but you know I will because I’m a sucker.