Anyone watch the critically acclaimed (LOL) masterpiece that is the Bachelor? Because I sure do, and I question my life choices multiple times during every episode. Particularly this past week’s episode. Let me tell you, the number of times I lamented that I had run out of rum was high. 

The new Bachelor is Colton… I mean Clayton (Had to doublecheck my notes already, this will not go well). Another basic white man, but here’s the twist, he’s from Missouri. That’s it, that’s the twist. He was a former NFL player who never actually played. And that’s all I got. My notes say – white man, basic – so clearly he made little impression on me. I have no issue with him, but I just don’t see much personality yet. Maybe that will change later on. 

It was cute seeing him mom react to him being bachelor, but did she have an idea of what she was in for? And for that matter, what her son was in for? Because poor dude got rejected twice before the first rose ceremony. 

We had to sit through the introductory videos of several of the women, and legit, cannot remember a single one. So many blonde women who I can’t tell apart. Even before the obligatory awkwardness of the limo exits, we got to see a breakup. 

So Sally, she was supposed to get married the day before meeting Colt…damnit, Clayton, and she and her fiancée broke off the engagement (not sure when, and when did she sign up for the bachelor?). I must sleuth later. So, she was emotional, because you know, wedding, and she decided she needed to see Clayton before leaving, even though they hadn’t met yet. Some producer probably pushed for the meetup. Clayton’s face when he opened the door was great. Ultimate, who you face. The whole conversation was just so weird because they have no connection, and Clayton tried to give her a rose out of left field. Like buddy, you have 30 other women you will meet who want to be there. Let this one go. But all that time spent with her just makes me feel like she’ll come back later on in the season. Ultimate fake shock value around episode 3 I’m guessing. 

Then we got to the limos and the introductions, and Clayton having to stand there awkwardly while the women pull out all the stops. Some were memorable, like the toy car and the attack of the large car, along with the entrance in a bathtub (give those guys who had to push it a raise). We saw some cringy one-liners. Teddi was the standout to me. Clayton looked mesmerized when he saw her and that was the most reaction I saw from him. Teddi did get the first impression rose as well, so it seems like the connection was there. 

You know where it wasn’t? Claire. She set up a whole tailgate and was ready to sit down and chat with Clayton when she was interrupted. Which is totally normal during the cocktail parties, but she was just not pleased. No one is ever pleased when it happens, but she seemed to spiral when Clayton left with the other woman (I think it was Mara?). She went off and told the other women she didn’t enjoy the chat with Clayton, and then started telling them she hated him. Whether or not she was serious is irrelevant. A brave soul told Clayton who promptly walked her out. I get it if she didn’t feel a connection, but she didn’t have to insult him to all the other women. She could just leave, like Sally could have. These women need to stop forcing rejection on this poor man who got plenty from the internet already. 

The night went on and Clayton smooched plenty of women, and seemed to really like some. The rose ceremony saw several women get sent home, and our main group is here and ready to party aka steal Clayton’s heart. 

My frontrunner is Teddi for sure. Most of the other women didn’t leave much of an impression, so here’s hoping we get to know the others more. Along with Clayton. He seems pretty generic right now. 

Reminder to self: buy extra rum